I’m actually glad I don’t hate Sailor Moon, esp Rei, on association with my friend (tw: describing trans discrimination and anti-trans violence)
It’s funny how that works isn’t it? I can’t really bring myself to forgive her even now, even though we were eleven, she was likely dealing with a lot of shit (not least that she was definitely trans) and I remember doing some things that make me feel ashamed now in retaliation so you know I should? But since she was a kid who systematically did everything in her power to completely destroy any self worth and happiness I had for a year (also she stole my first kiss, and it’s hilarious because neither of us were into it? She was trying to force herself to like girls and I tried to convince myself afterwards I like guys and THEREFORE TOTALLY ENJOYED THAT but we were both kind of fooling ourselves) and seriously made me consider killing myself a few times and also I was very unable to trust people for like…well, until three years ago because of how she treated me I have a hard time not thinking of her with bitterness and dislike.
But even though she would play Sailor Mars while making me be Mercury and also totally stole her name from Sailor Mars (her given name was coded very male, she didn’t like it) (I NEVER REALIZED THIS UNTIL I WATCHED SAILOR MOON too) (It was probably helpful to her that it could sound like a “guys name” to us eleven year olds but she would secretly know it was a “girl’s name”, Sailor Moon has made me have so many realizations about her and how oblivious I was?)
I don’t associate Sailor Moon’s Rei with my bad feelings? I’m really able to separate the chracters from how I was introduced to them, even her. Instead watching it has just helped me understand my friend a little better, I really understand why she latched onto it so hard because it says a lot of things about gender that probably comforted her. It only allows me to let go of some of what she put me through and feel for her a little more, because we have this thing in common.
Sorry I just felt like talking about it a little more about this. I hope I can meet her someday and see she’s okay (I don’t want her to have hurt herself, I’ve heard rumors she got a sex change and was harrassed and beaten as a result, which really freaks me out. Esp since it was my old teacher who delivered it to me clearly thought it was hilarious yeah he was pretty much a horrible fuck. I hope it’s not true. The harrassed and beaten part, not the sex change obvs) and maybe let go of our stuff?
At the same time, when we were kids whenever I’d try to forgive her and relate to her, she’d use it as an oppurtunity to manipulate and abuse me again, and she was the same throughout middle school so hahahaha I’d also be super wary and still never talk to her again after that.
But I’d want to apologize for how I treated her gender struggles back then (because once I told everyone about how she wore a dress at home in response to her telling everyone one of my secrets. That probably hurt her a lot more than the initial unprovoked attack hurt me, though I couldn’t comprehend that at the time)
Basically Sailor Moon has helped me understand one of the most painful parts of my childhood and feel empathy for someone who really kind of broke my innocence in regards to pretty much everything so I find her hard to deal with emotionally. And I’m grateful for that.
