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I’ll be tagging it “conquering fma 2003 theatrical liveblog action”

The posts will be meaty (not just a couple sentences), but it won’t all be in one post.

And now we begin!

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WE BEGIN

The FMAB “tinier me” ad promises to be more interesting than this movie, if only for the hilarious description “CAN THE ELRIC BROTHERS FORGE THROUGH DESPAIR AND TRANSMUTE IT TO PEACE?” what is this tiner me thing even? is it just action figures?

Disney castle! I’m glad it specifies this is year 1914 by Amnestris’s continential calender, otherwise I’d be really confused.

"I’ve chosen to call this almighty element uranium!" Al looks so apathetic about this it’s kind of hilarious He’s even like "hmm" "okay that’s great random masked man what am I doing here."

So the guy who invented the uranium bomb in Amnestris wears a mask and has a a spinning drill Joker-lite death trap in his lab that he activates the second he feels rejected. Just like real life! “YOU GIVE SUCH LOFTY SPEECHES” dude Al said one sentence.

Whyyyy is Ed wearing a fishbowl on his head. NO ONE CAN TAKE YOUR “THE REASON YOU SUCK” SPEECH SERIOUSLY WHEN YOU’RE WEARING THAT, MAN.

seriously why was he wearing that no explanation seems forthcoming. Where was he why was Al talking to guy alone why couldn’t this dude at least wear a better mask, he’s basically a Yu-gi-oh villain.

"life only flows in one direction and humans aren’t supposed to be bought back" Ed, the ending to this version of you’s anime completely contradicts that, you know that, don’t you?

"YOUR ARCANE RULES MEAN NOTHING TO ME, I AM A MAN OF SCIENCE!!!" DO YOU NOT SEE MY THEATRE MASK AND DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS CLOAK AND MAGICAL POWERS IT SCREAMS SWEET SWEET SCIENCE!

It’s really hilarious how the door of truth in this anime is surrounded by barbed wire and tacky statues and shit. Did Ed decorate it? Was Arakawa’s version not hardcore enough?

"let’s go this whole building’s about to blow up"

"WHY"

"because I don’t like it"

Wow Ed, and so you just stood there casually talking after you rigged an entire island to blow up for no reason with no plan of escape whatsoever, putting your brother in grave danger. You can tell this kid is a genius.  I guess all those guys Nuclear Joker killed won’t get a proper burial. GET BLOWN UP BECAUSE EDWARD ELRIC COMMANDS IT.

who in their right mind would let this explosion-happy Ed drive a car. World War II Alphonse expy, you should have know better. We’re only seven minutes into the movie maybe I should tone down the rambling but it’s already ridic

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ethnic stereotypes time! Psychic Roma ppls heading to carnival! This one is a Rose expy. Of course, in the grand tradition of the anime, she is immediately victimized so Ed can save her, sold to some dude by her friends, because despite the fact she can tell people’s thoughts by touching them she did not catch wind of this at all? 

"I’m kind of glad. It’s the first time Ed’s really taken an interest in a girl" so what, you were *worried he was gay*? Well, I hate to dissapoint but fma 2003 Ed thinks Rose and even Winry have cooties and only cares about his brother, everyone else can go die.

Ed appears to be dreaming about a threesome with Winry and Al. Whoa, he remembers Winry exists? 

How on earth can Ed’s automail work in a work that doesn’t have alchemy, I always thought that was what allowed it to exist.

"Where’s your dad" "I dunno he just left one day" 2003 Hohenheim remains consistent in his douchery.

omg alternate hughes the overtly racist nazi. I guess I have to at least give this movie kudos for acknowledging that Roma people were targeted in WWII? Also Ed responding to Nazi!Hughes’ “you do know she’s a ____?” about Roma Rose expy with “oh I hadn’t noticed” made me laugh.

Not that I’m impressed with the ethnic representation so far.Since it amounts to Rose expy, the complete victim who needs a white savior because the other Roma sold her out. NICE.

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whoa this movie is racist while trying to criticize racism how nice

(Trigger warning racial slurs)

actually it’s pretty rare to see a Japanese movie overtly criticizing you know, the side their country was on in WWII, so at least that’s new and good? Of course, the manga had Arakawa also criticizing the actions of her own country in wars as well.

"The name gypsy came from a myth we spread we were fortune tellers from egypt” says expy Rose

no it did not I’m pretty sure it was a slur made up by not-Roma who assumed they were from egypt what the fuck movie. Wait let mE look it up, I know I reblogged a post on my tumblr where a Roma person talked about it

well I can’t find it but even Wikipedia says it is an exonym meaning  A name given to a group or category of people by a secondary person or persons other than the people it refers to.

Seriously why on earth would a race lie about their country of origin? Doesn’t it make MUCH MORE SENSE OTHER RACES WOULD STEREOTYPE THEM AS FROM THE WRONG COUNTRY? BECAUSE THAT HAS HAPPENED OVER AND OVER AGAIN? While criticizing the automatic assumption all Roma are liars, you then go an innacurately shill the stereotype yourself. Not to mention the fact they had expy Roses fellow-Romani friends lie to her and sell her out. WAY TO WALK THE WALK MOVIE. DO SOME GODDAMN RESEARCH.

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"well then what do you call yourselves"

"Roma"

Yay for that, still pissed otherwise

oh no the Bradleymobile!

"look at you all! Blonde hair, blue eyes! You are the model of the ancient Aryan race!" This is awkward. Al expy, why wouldn’t you run as soon as he said that, are you down for genocide or something? It’s a good thing the 2003 anime forgot Al was supposed to have gold eyes or that wouldn’t have worked. "Blonde hair blue-wait, what the fuck, are that kid’s eyes yellow?" 

So Hughes is a nazi and Bradley is Jewish. Well this is an interesting turn of events.

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Oh hi Envy you sound inexplicably seductive as always and are now a basilisk. NEAT.

Envy’s sure reacting to bullets here a lot more than he ever did before. Can’t he regenerate?

THE EQUALISTS ARE COMING TO RESCUE ED. no seriously, exact same masks.

This lady has mad eighties shoulder pads

And then Envy ate Hohenheim. Well that came out of nowhere where even are they both. “HI SON ARE YOU STILL MAD ABOUT HOW I LEFT YOU DON’T WORRY I DO IT TO EVERY-ARGHHALKKKK”

Roy has decided to become a depressed hermit in the snow. He insists this will help his country somehow. Okay. “Maybe Lieutenant Hawkeye should have come too” Of course, she would have shot him in the back two miinutes in out of sheer annoyance, so maybe not.

"Besides the Lieutenant isn’t the one he’s waiting for". Roy/Ed > Roy/Riza according to this anime. I guess now I know why so many ship them.

Hi Winry! Nice jacket. Oh yeah Izumi’s dead in this movie hahaha fuck that.

ARMSTRONG INVASION. That giant billboard of Armstrong flexing. Only good part of this movie so far. 

Hi Rose. HEY ROSE GOT TO SPEAK WORDS OF HER OWN DEVISING THAT’S NEW.

"he’s making tornadoes! With Alchemy!" AL: THE LAST AIRBENDER. 

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Hi Sheska!

wow these cgi robots are awkward as heck

"I transferred a portions of my soul into the armor I touched!"

"…a portion of your soul?"

"for some reason it just comes naturally to me!"

NO BIG DEAL AL IS JUST MAKING HORCRUXES NOTHING TO BE CONCERNED ABOUT

Jump into a random portal good plan Al 

Thank God Rose was there to be sensible and yank the hyperactive thirteen year old away from the glowing armor. Yay for Rose actually doing stuff! Maybe she siphoned all her bad writing to her Roma counterpart?

something something issue of Superman whoa wait is it even 1939 over there? maybe I misheard…

yeah Ed just start messing with transmutation circles you don’t know about that always worked well for you in the past

so by convenient coincidence Ed just happens to decide to complete and get his blood on the transmutation circle so it opens. What…were they planning to do if that improbable chain of events hadn’t happened?

AL NEARLY CRUSHING ED TO DEATH IN HUGS IS ALWAYS CUTE NO MATTER WHAT. Also “hey you’re taller now” “WHAT YOU STILL THOUGHT I’D BE A RUNT WHEN I’M EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD” and he smacks his head off. Napoleon complex > being surprised or elated your brother you’ve been seperated from for four years randomly showed up in the alternate universe you’re trapped in.

"you haven’t changed at all, still getting into trouble" "WHERE ARE WE GOING" Wow Al is so adorbs no matter what in all forms. BUT WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING ANYMORE.

First you kill Winry’s parents, then you hang up on her. YER THE CLASSIEST, ROY.

"I met him in the Empire of Japan. This thesis is the island had success because it was made up of a single race" at first I was like UM but then they turned around and criticized that idea. Ed was like "YEAH I’LL PASS". Good for you on that then, movie.

"It’s a legend in the Orient" IIIII have a feeling the Japanese sub didn’t say that. Though I guess it would make sense for a WWII era European to use that word.

Hitler cameooooo

"My wife is fanatical believer of Hitler" Wow considering you are Jewish that must make the relationship awkward.

"The Nazis have asked me to work with them many time" The Nazis. Asking an openly Jewish person to work WITH them.YEAH DON’T SEE THAT HAPPENING. Even if it is to exploit and discard him. 

With all this Nazis doing mystical shit with ancient artifacts going on, I keep expecting Captain America to burst in. Superman should also come, since they mentioned him.

Okay it’s late, I’m and hour in and tired of this. I’ll finish tomorrow. 

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"The fuhrer plans to loose his stormtroopers" 

I always forget stormtroopers are a real thing, so I was imagining Star Wars with nazis. DON’T WORRY THEY ALL HAVE TERRIBLE AIM, we’ll be fine.

Wow alternate Al you are jerk beyond question. I get you’re dying and all, but you know you’re working for people who are going to start a GENOCIDAL WAR and you just want to finish your rocket so you can have proof you lived in the world.Yeah, let’s let your legacy be a swath of destruction, nifty.

yay for Winry and Sheska hanging out.

nazi hughes continues to be a nazi i can’t get over this whyyyyyyy diiiid you doooo this it’s so fucking wrong poor hughes guy already died then they make his alternate self a nazi in this horrible anime

why is Noah (Rose expy) working with the nazis there’s alternate dimension this decision would make sense (can’t see the nazis deigning to work with someone Roma regardless of if they need her, anyway)

So is there any explanation at all for Wrath being on the good side now? Or why he stopped aging, since he clearly must have aged before or he wouldn’t have grown from being Izumi’s baby to a little kid?

since when can Ed fly an airplanethey don’t even have those where he comes from I guess he must have learned it in the intervening four years how convienient

howwww the fuck did Ed survive jumping OUT OF AN AIRPLANE LIKE 100 FEET ABOVE THROUGH A GLASS WINDOW AND THEN WHAT LOOKS LIKE FIFTY FEET TO THE FLOOR WITH NO PROTECTION ED IS NOT SUPERMAN my suspension of disbelief just snapped surely there was a safer way to enter

Now Ed is lecturing Noah on the values of her own people “I thought the Romas were proud of their ways blablabla you sellout” seriously wow you are the worst movie. And Noah just wants to SELL OUT THE ENTIRE WORLD AND ALL OF HER PEOPLE AND AIDING PEOLE WHO WANT TO KILL HER ENTIRE FUCKING RACE IN CONCENTRATION CAMPS so she can live in another world and save her own skin. And Ed, our perfect hero, gets to preach to her about how she’s wrong cuz yeah, this white guy is the person to inspire these other races against the nazis, not like they would want to fight the nazis of their own accord because YOU KNOW FUCKING NAZIS. It was the same with Jewish Bradley expy, he didn’t give a shit about saving the world from the nazis (which is really unbelievable, considering he would be the one getting thrown into a concentration camp by them) until Ed yelled at him. Jews and Roma need Edward Elric to get them to fight for their own people. fuck. this.

Yeah how the hell is the representation of Roma people in this movie and of like, everything not problematic as hell. I mean I own being incredibly privileged and ignorant here, but even I can see this is utter bullshit.

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I think Gluttony is supposed to be scary but he just reminds me of the Pillsbury doughboy crossed with an octopus

okay now that he’s got screaming headthings and gushing pink blood he’s creepy gross.

Al you could, you know, help Wrath fight this thing instead of standing there staring

I’ll admit the fight scenes pretty well done. Except for the part where Al is basically letting Wrath get killed. Our hero! Wrath finally, as he dies, is like “transmute us” and Al’s like “okay can we have an in depth conversation expositing about this first, I’m really sort of lazy. I want to put off actually doing something as much as possible”.

"I know you were going to give your own life to bring your brother back" Wow, AL IS DETERMINED TO WIN THAT GAME OF SELF-SACRIFICE PING PONG. Lets go through the inanity of this: Al gave his life to bring Ed back (and somehow that worked), so then Ed just gave his life to bring Al back (and somehow not only did that work, Ed survived it) and now Al planned to give his life JUST to transport his brother back to his home dimension, meaning Ed would inevitably sacrifice himself again and then Al would and then Ed would- IT’S A GOOD THING WRATH STEPPED IN OR THIS SHIT WOULD HAVE NEVER STOPPED. Can you imagine the constant pointless more-hero-than-thou cycle.

why the hell does Wrath care about Al and people dying when he wanted to kill them all before? No explanation.

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and so Al kills two homunculi. Because Wrath asked him to. Remember how in the manga the brothers refused to have anyone else die on their account, no matter what? Fma 2003 elric brothers have sacrificed at least ten billion lives (if you count all the philosiphers stones they’ve gladly used) for their own selfish happiness at this point. What herooooesssss.

Wow, so…naked Izumi and Wrath hugging. Wrath is burying his face in his Mom’s naked boobs. Kay.

this movie sure likes its’ gore. Bye 2003 Hohenheim no one misses you.

So um, why did villian lady shoot her coworker? Just because she’s evil? Okay.

"so now do you believe in space aliens" "don’t start that again" Sheska and Winry continue to be the only good part of this anime.

"Same old Ed. You’re not going into battle with that arm and leg"

"They’re great! But I’m not sure if they’ll fit me, I’ve grown, you know…"

"Who do you think you’re dealing with here?"

Winry <3. Nothing can keep her fabness down even this anime.

Apparently everyone forgives Roy for abandoning them for no reason and he can come in and bark orders despite the fact he’s been gone forever and has no idea what’s what.

guys I really like how all the villians in the manga had at least some depth and compelling stuff going on, you know…Kimblee had his weird moral code, Pride and Wrath had affection for their families, Father was clearly pretty subtly envious of humans and craving a family of his own, had that Faustian thirst for knowledge and true inability to comprhend why valuing that aboive all else was wrong, and occasionally showed this weird affection for Hohenheim (remember how he smiled and patted Ed’s head, and asked after Hohenhiem “he has kids omg wow this is awesome why aren’t you named after him hey I picked that name :(” oh you), Lust and Gluttony had their comradery, Envy was all pitiable at the end- 

i’m just saying that because wow do I miss it when I watch this anime, where most of the villians are one-dimensional as hell. This villian lady is so one dimnesionally evil and uninteresting I can’t even remember her name.

Oh no a bloody teddy bear means random child death 

"YOU CAN’T BRING BACK THE DEAD AL" except you can they’ll just get superpowers or maybe you’ll get sent to another dimension, show, really, give it up. You killed that moral ages ago, you can’t resurrect it like you resurrect everything else.